Someone once asked for my thoughts about timing to give my book to a friend who miscarried and for some ideas on what to say about the loss.
I carefully shared my thoughts with her. Occasionally I still think about this conversation.
Today something brought it to mind, so I talked about it with my husband. I love what he said:
“Maybe she could write down the date it happened, or at least the week. Then next year when that time comes she could let her friend know she remembers her baby and her loss. Because it’s not like there is usually a grave or funeral for a loss like that to help everyone else remember. But the parents remember every year and that time can be depressing. It’s a really personal loss, so over the years no one else remembers.”
I knew instantly this was a good idea, because every year in the autumn and winter when my own miscarriage dates come around, I grieve the losses and also the fact that I feel so alone in them. Only a few months ago I was walking alone in my neighborhood, crying for this very reason. I think I prayed something like, “God, if someone could just remember…do You remember? Do You know where my babies are and what they are now?”
I know in his own way Daniel grieves during these times as well.
If I were having the conversation with my friend again, I would add:
Remember the date. Call or send a note to let her know you are remembering her child and her loss along with her. Ask if you can visit or take her out for a meal or coffee. Don’t give any advice. Don’t try to vent your own emotions about her experience. Do ask how you can encourage and help on that day or during that week. Respect whatever answer your friend gives. Maybe she feels like going out or talking. Maybe she doesn’t. It’s okay. She knows what she needs and you will have given her the chance to voice it. Let your friend know that if she wants, she has a companion and listener in you, but don’t push it. It will speak volumes of love to her, and to the couple if your friend is married or in a relationship, if you simply remember and let her know she is not alone.
Whether you are single, married, whether you have children or not, if you’ve never miscarried— you can be a source of comfort and encouragement to people who have lost children. Don’t be afraid if you are unsure of what to do or say. Ask how to help, listen to the answer, and then respect your friend’s wishes. That will go a long way.
Thanks for reading!
❤ , Chrissy
©2018 Chrissy Winslow – All Rights Reserved
- To read more about Miscarriage, how it affects a family, and for my thoughts on being there for loved ones who’ve experienced this type of loss, please visit the Miscarriage Category of my blog.
- To read my personal stories of Motherhood and Miscarriage, follow the Amazon link below. My short book, Flying in Labor, is available in paperback or kindle. It is set in the amazing countries and cultures of South Asia.