Changing Expectations & Becoming Myself
“I’m losing time with both of you. I’m watching your lives happen, but I’m not part of them.” I said this to Daniel when I was on bedrest during my second pregnancy. Of course I knew I was doing what was best for the baby, but that still didn’t make it easy. Weeks went by …
Continue reading My Preschool Age Daughter & My First Miscarriage. Part 1
REblog- For Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month
Sight. I can tell you what grief looks like.
A young pastor from a tiny village in South Asia, bent over a shallow hole in the ground, back shuddering with silent cries after lowering his newborn into the earth.
He literally had to tear himself away when it was time to go. He couldn’t bear to leave her in the cardboard computer box, her body gently wrapped in soft cloth purchased just after her death.
Touch. Grief felt like fingertips running over a cardboard computer box. A little heavier than normal because of the infant inside.
Smell. An earthy scent. Each shovel full of parched ground slowly covered the box out of sight. It was dry season so dust rose easily into our nostrils after hitting the box.
Grief’s Taste: salty. Tears running into my mouth. I was standing in the background silently weeping because I wasn’t sure what else…
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I’ve always loved finding heart shaped things in nature. I’ve never said it out loud to anyone, because it’s a secret I’ve enjoyed since childhood. I’m not talking about hearts made out of natural things- like rocks arranged in the shape of a heart. I'm talking about being out in nature and finding a smooth …
In the past, August 14 has come around and I’ve been so busy I’ve forgotten. It’s a date my husband and I remember well, but I don’t mark it on the calendar. I’m not sure if he does. Usually when I’ve forgotten a mixture of emotions sneak up on me over a period of days. …
Continue reading August 14th. Changing Expectations & Redefining Family
“I didn’t watch you go through it. I also went through it” Daniel and I don’t talk about the miscarriages often, but last week we did and I learned something. From now on I will refer to them as our miscarriages instead of just mine. I’ve encouraged people to think of men during miscarriage for …
Continue reading Men & Miscarriage
“So you’re hoping for a girl?” Daniel bought a little pink onesie the same day he found out I was expecting our second baby. He was so happy. We were in Southeast Asia for a week of rest in the northern mountains and then a few days at the beach down South. The places we …
Continue reading A Pink Onesie
“Just drive past Abhidi’s stand. I don’t want to talk today” It had been a few days, but my body was still recovering from the miscarriage and procedures in the hospital. I felt too tired emotionally and physically to talk with my friend who sold fruit in our neighborhood. We met because I pushed Eva …
Continue reading Helping Moms after Miscarriage
When I became a mother my identity as a woman changed forever. The pink plus sign appeared on a home pregnancy test and I knew I was carrying something precious. The way I looked at everything in life changed: marriage, family relationships, and friendships. Previous routines were different: the way I practiced my career as …
